Because it's all a bit shit, really
A FULLY GROWN ADULT MALE is still making the kind of decisions normally associated with a spoilt first-year university student whose parents can always bail them out, because of course they bloody will, it has been revealed. 28 year old accounts manager, Nathan Bobson, has told how his dreamy, wasteful life choices are indicative of […]
Read More BREAKING NEWS: 28 YEAR-OLD STILL MAKING SOLID LIFE CHOICESLockdown has taken its toll on one man so much, he’d really appreciate being in the shittest pub with the type of people he hates more than anything, it was confirmed last night. Furloughed Wayne Hayes, 36, commented “I’d take any shit pub right now and have a ball. Literally, imagine the most depressing hovel […]
Read More “I’d love a pint in any shit pub right now”, desperate man in lockdown confirmsAN OUT OF HIS DEPTH Marketing Manager is now just blurting out buzzwords where coherent sentences with basic meaning should be, his colleagues have revealed. 46 year old Wayne Hayes has been babbling on about blockchain and bitcoin in an attempt to discuss “where things are going” in the industry in the hope someone might […]
Read More STRUGGLING MARKETING COLLEAGUE NOW JUST SAYING BUZZWORDSAN ANXIOUS LOOKING Brexiter is still insisting the outcome is “still worth it”, despite having paid for some Euros for an upcoming trip to Benidorm, it has been revealed. Ray Dawkins, 62, has explained away his distinct lack of spending money as “just a phase”, offering: “These things fluctuate, so it’ll bounce back. We’re not […]
Read More BREXITER COUNTING HIS HOLIDAY MONEY STILL PRETENDING EVERYTHING’S FINETurns out an unbearable gobshite with an at-best mediocre existence is somehow a leading expert on international trade deals of every kind, it has been confirmed. Avid Brexiter and definitely not racist Dave Hayes, 35, from Canvey Island, commented: “What the Government don’t understand is that we can leave the EU on WTO rules, or […]
Read More “University of Life” Graduate to Advise on final Brexit Trade DealBritish Prime Minister, Theresa May, has teased the Brexit end of season finale, suggesting there will be no sequel, disappointing hardcore fans of the shitshow. Speaking to the House of Commons, the deluded cowbag has asserted her Brexit deal is “the deal“, as MPs who’ve told her they’ll vote down her deal prepare to vote […]
Read More Fans Split as May Teases “Brexit” End of Season FinaleMental health is “so hot right now” according to the world of marketing, as big brands admit that saying ‘mental health’ has the potential to be “as big as blockchain, but like, way more?” Having decided to label everything from shampoo to ITV’s Love Island as “an advocate of mental health”, brands that normally trade […]
Read More MENTAL HEALTH “SO HOT RIGHT NOW”, BRANDS CONFIRMA college student receiving his A-level results has announced he’s not listening to the awful advice of people who left college before iPhones existed and then grew up into nothing, it has been revealed. 35 year-old sales team leader, Nathan Bobson, announced on LinkedIn: “To all those students getting their A-level results today, remember that […]
Read More A-LEVEL STUDENT IGNORING SHIT ADVICE FROM MEDIOCRE 30-SOMETHINGSManchester United have announced the signing of a contract to pay the deposit for this year’s staff Christmas Party. The event will be on the 15th December in Manchester; partners are allowed and everyone will be issued with four drinks each, an announcement on teh club website has read. Manager Jose Mourinho has commented that […]
Read More MAN UNITED ANNOUNCE STAFF CHRISTMAS PARTYPEOPLE ARE OVER THE MOON about the Government’s plan to dispense the food stockpiles necessary for a no-deal Brexit with blue ration books to match the blue passports we didn’t ask for, it has been revealed. The news comes after the Government confirmed that food, medicine and blood stockpiles will be gathered to cope with […]
Read More PUBLIC EUPHORIA AS BREXIT MINISTERS CONFIRM BLUE RATION BOOKSA WORKSHY BULLSHITTER who shares motivational content on LinkedIn in order to give off an image of being a remotely positive example to anyone is practising absolutely nothing about what he preachesa cursory glance at his life has revealed. After sharing a video from actor Will Smith on self-discipline, Recruitment Consultant, Wayne Hayes, 33, who […]
Read More MAN WHO PUTS MOTIVATIONAL BULLSHIT ON LINKEDIN PRACTISING NONE OF ITProfiteering cosmetics brand, MAC, copied needlessly unfashionable clothing brand Burberry, by setting fire to £28m worth of stock to stop their products being bought by dickheads and girls who pretend their parents haven’t bought it for them, it has been revealed. The drastic measures come after Burberry burned £28 million pounds worth of out-of-season clothes […]
Read More MAC burns £28 MILLION worth of cosmetics to save brand from Instagram wankersThe Conservative Party is to go “fully-autonomous” by the year 2021, a leaked report from the Treasury confirms. Details from the leaked report outline how a proposed £75 million investment in futuristic ‘Tor-E SleazeBots’ will mean that the party can dispense with having any sense of direction whatsoever. Chancellor of the Exchequer, Philip Hammond, was […]
Read More BREAKING NEWS: Driverless Conservative Party by 2021, Chancellor ConfirmsThe world has told Britain to turn itself off and on again, and maybe do a system restore back to any date in 2012 in order to solve it’s processing power issues, it has been revealed. The advice comes after the second millionth deliberate cluster-fuck by several manchildren who’ve been elected to be the ones […]
Read More Turn it all off and then on again, Britain toldBREXIT Minister David Davis has finally unveiled his true identity, an evil Sith Lord who has just condemned the United Kindgom to a future only seen in distopian science fiction movies. After resigning his post late on Sunday night, Darth Brexitus commented that his hand was forced due to Theresa May’s soft Brexit plan. He […]
Read More BREAKING NEWS: Sith Lord David Davis finally reveals his true identitySerial romancer of inappropriate life partners, Cheryl Cole, has announced she it to split from her habit of picking totally the wrong guy, following her breakup from former popstar wanker boyfriend, Liam Payne. The couple had been rumoured to split, following a few years of Liam’s fuckboy antics. The former One Direction “singer” has been […]
Read More CHERYL COLE ANNOUNCES SPLIT FROM BAD RELATIONSHIP DECISIONSINEFFECTIVE LONDON MAYOR Sadiq Khan, has vowed to end London’s knife crime problem by avoiding it completely and focusing on fast food adverts on the tube which nobody pays attention to anyway, it has been confirmed. In his latest set of weird and unnecessary ways to tackle problems which aren’t his to fix, the workshy […]
Read More Knife crime better than fat Londoners, says Sadiq KhanSPITEFUL PARENTS are secretly enjoying being massive bastards by taking their feral children to places dedicated to drinking alcohol, everyone else has confirmed. Irresponsible Mother of three, Becky Dinting, commented: “We totally resent the idea that pubs are only for adults. If we can’t enjoy it while trying to ignore our kids I suppose neither should you, lol.” The holy […]
Read More Every pub “now a f*****g créche” confirm fed-up adultsAWFUL PARENTS have have been told that having a “graduation ceremony” for three year olds who can’t form coherent sentences isn’t an achievement, nor something anyone should be celebrating, reports confirm. Mother of three, Becky Dinting, 31, has confirmed how she has been coping with the bombshell that teaching her child to celebrate “graduating” from […]
Read More Graduating from nursery isn’t a f*****g thing, parents toldONLY BRUTES AND CAR-CRASHES of womanhood are expected at Aintree for this year’s ‘Ladies’ Day’, Grand National organisers have confirmed. The announcement comes as thousands of professional skanks and women your mother warned you about descend on Aintree to cause all sorts of carnage, and probably show their knickers to the Daily Mail. Impossibly posh […]
Read More Absolutely no ladies expected at ‘Ladies Day’, say race organisersA WASTE OF SPACE new office worker who got her job because of her father’s friendship with the Managing Director will have the total respect from every one of her colleagues who’ve actually worked to get where they are, it has been revealed. Social Media Executive and 23 year-old child, Becky Dinting, landed her new […]
Read More New Girl Who Got Her Job Because Her Dad Knows the MD to be Totally Taken SeriouslyA COMPLETE MESS of a single mother who routinely goes nuclear on Facebook is definitely not an emotionally unhinged nightmare and is a total catch, actually – it has been revealed. After posting to Facebook yesterday at 11:45 pm, mother of three and nailed-on lunatic, Becky Dinting, announced: “That’s it, lying scumbags and there latest […]
Read More BREAKING: Facebook Meltdown Mum Definitely a Total CatchBritain’s schools have refused to apologise for depicting the parents of Baby Jesus in their nativity scenes as a spoiled brats who are probably ferried to school in a fucking Range Rover, it has been revealed. Primary school teacher and school nativity “director”, Becky Dinting, 31, said: “Every year we cast the saviour of mankind’s […]
Read More Schools “Not Sorry” for Replacing Mary and Joseph in Nativity Scene with Little ShitsThis year’s John Lewis’s Christmas TV advert will will feature a family that has a better Christmas than you by avoiding John Lewis altogether, it has been revealed. The formulaic 60 seconds features a run-of-the-mill family going about their Christmas without paying over the odds for an Acer laptop, just so they can avoid remarking […]
Read More 2018 John Lewis Christmas TV ad to feature family blissfully avoiding John LewisA piece of shit Managing Director isn’t going to pay out on bonuses promised to overworked staff just so he can be a complete bastard, it has been revealed. Successful e-commerce tyrant, Ray Dawkins, 52, has revealed bonuses promised to exhausted staff won’t be issued because he’d rather play with their emotions while pretending to […]
Read More BREAKING NEWS: Managing Director to withdraw staff bonuses again, just to be a prickA know-it-all graduate has used their 23 years of experience on this earth, of which 18 have been spent as a child, to explain something profound and/or useful to you about life, it has been revealed. Having travelled to several destinations popular with other gap year wankers while avoiding adult responsibilities, 23 year-old Becky Dinting […]
Read More BREAKING NEWS: 23 Year-old to tell you something about lifeTWO IDIOT NEWLYWEDS have celebrated the end of their honeymoon by realising they have to spend the rest of their lives together, it has been revealed. Recently wed Becky and James Dinting, both 24, tied the knot in July and, now their formal nuptial celebrations are officially over, the couple have expressed their surprise at being left to […]
Read More BREAKING NEWS: Newlyweds wondering what to do nextA POLITE WEIRDO who is a stranger to everyone in the office is acting like they already kind of know everyone, despite not yet introducing themselves to anyone, it has been revealed. Having set-up camp on a nearby hotdesk, the well-mannered stranger, who hasn’t quite managed to say hello to anyone, has proceeded to casually chip-in during office small-talk and […]
Read More Stranger in the office pretending to know everyoneTHAT ANNOYING colleague of yours has pledged not to park like an infantile piece of shit for once in their worthless life, it has been revealed. Terminally unpopular Accounts Manager, Nathan Bobson, 29, made the groundbreaking oath to park within the confines of whichever designated space he chooses to leave his precious fucking car in. He […]
Read More Colleague pledges not to park like a complete dickA NEW WIFE has expressed her concern about the lessening number of likes her wedding photo is getting each time she re-posts it on Facebook. Hurt Becky Dinting, 27, said the lack of support among her friends about her marriage is both upsetting and disrespectful. The no-longer-bride explained: “Honestly, I don’t know what’s gotten into people. Maybe my friends are too good all of […]
Read More Facebook likes “dwindling” for re-posted wedding photoSocial media users have issued a collective plea for parents to explain the need to clarify what their ugly children wear when they go to school, it has been confirmed. Facebook user and former child, Nathan Bobson, 29, said: “I had heard there are these uniform things the kids have to wear, which sounds archaic. While I’m glad […]
Read More “What’s with the ugly kid in school uniform craze?”, parents askedDANDRUFF-FREE goalkeepy ad-man Joe Hart, 47, has spoken of his excitement at the prospect of endorsing a product in another language people wish he wouldn’t speak. The flakeless flapper made the vow during an intense press conference, declaring: “People say I’m of no use to England, but I know that’s not the case. I have a winner’s mentality and I’ll […]
Read More JOE HART SET TO START FOR ITALIAN TV ADVERTSA piece of shit newcomer to the workforce has endeared herself to colleagues by failing to grasp the concept of professional behaviour or something called “work”, it has been revealed. Entitled PR graduate Becky Dinting, 23, joined the company in July as a junior exec and her so far stellar performance has resulted in out-annoying every single one […]
Read More Infantile graduate struggling with the whole “work” thingDating websites have reported a record shortage of photos featuring morons on their gap year posing with heavily sedated tigers, it has emerged. Despite there being lots of single morons, there has been a vast reduction in the rate of smiling dickheads in Thailand posing with half-dead big cats on dating websites. Terminally single Becky Dinting, 27, from Rochester said: “I […]
Read More Dating websites in “drugged-up tiger” photo shortageA two year-old has expressed his heartfelt thanks for the over the top effort that went into his lavish birthday party, it has been revealed. The oblivious two year old thanked family and friends by wandering about with a mushed up carrot stick in between his fingers, shouting “Orange! Orange” before inexplicably crying and then falling asleep for the rest of the day. The […]
Read More Toddler to totally appreciate birthday party effortThe latest unnecessary demands from a miserable bride-to-be “takes the complete f*****g piss”, her bridesmaids have revealed. Self-absorbed Becky Dinting and her beau Luke are to tie the knot next month, and the brides latest wave of demands is testing the already saint-like patience of her closest attendants. Bridesmaid Claire Worsley, 30, confirmed: “She’s a cheeky bitch and […]
Read More Bride-to-be “taking the complete f*****g piss”, Hen party confirmsAn educated woman of childbearing age is having something called “a life” before deciding to end it all by having children, it has been revealed. The shock revelation came after childless PR Director, Becky Dinting, 30, was questioned for the hundredth time this week on the prospect of bringing children into the world. She explained: “My friends are all […]
Read More Grown woman capable of life before childrenA newborn baby’s given name is causing no end of awkwardness as people avoid talking about how awful it is, it has been revealed. The awkwardness started when proud Dad, Nathan Bobson revealed the infant’s weird designation on Facebook. The little cherub was welcomed into the world with a nearly-aspirational name, which sounds like it was entirely made up – and a […]
Read More Nobody mentioning new baby’s horrific nameA-level results day has been renamed to acknowledge the creepy photographers who it’s really all about, it has been confirmed. The change has come after everyone admitted that, basically, today is an opportunity for creepy old photographers to get photos of dolled-up young females looking their happiest. Sinister Ray Dawson, 58, a freelance photographer confirmed: “Even though […]
Read More A-level results day now “Creepy Old Photographer Day”Former pharmaceutical lobbyist and Labour leadership contender, Owen Smith, has promised that dissident radicals, otherwise known as ‘grassroots Labour supporters’, would get a “seat at the table” in a Labour-run Labour party, it has been revealed. The last ditch attempt to appear remotely inclusive to anyone with a soul came at a recent Labour Hustings, during which the the smarmy nonentity debated fellow contender and […]
Read More Labour’s actual members “to get a seat at the table”, says Owen SmithPeople who passively watch other people go about their business say everyone is quite odd looking and rather ugly, it has been confirmed. The revelation came after a young couple sat outside a cafe for half an hour, observed no people they were remotely impressed by in the process. 28 year old Becky Dinting explained: […]
Read More Everyone “a bit ugly”, confirm people watchersA simpleton housemate has spoken of their abject amazement at how dishes and cutlery ends up magically clean and back in their drawers, it has been revealed. Professional skank, Becky Dinting, 26, has insisted the kitchen is services by “the fairies” who wash dishes and wipe up after her in and around a communal kitchen used by other adults, even putting […]
Read More Skanky housemate “in awe” of cleaning-up fairiesGrown adults who clap whenever they laugh are the worst kind of people you could ever meet, it has been revealed. The recent study found that a link between clapping when you laugh and being a horrible bastard is made during childhood. Professor Ray Dawkins, who led he study, commented: “We’ve dubbed it the “Caligula complex” where an individual thinks everything […]
Read More People who clap when they laugh “just the worst”, study findsUnpopular Labour leadership hopeful, Owen Smith, has “un-resigned” from being a contemptuous bellend and is pressing on with the matter in hand, it has emerged. The Machiavellian fuckwit, Smith, whose past glories range from supporting Jeremy Cobyn outright, to ignoring the majority of the party’s members completely within six months, has re-stated his intentions to dislodge Labour’s democratically elected leader. […]
Read More Owen Smith to “un-resign” from being an unpopular dickMorons with a simplistic view of life have apologised to ISIS for anything remotely uncomfortable said on Facebook about them by frightened or angry people, it has emerged. The thinly veiled elitist plea, came after an Octogenarian Priest was beheaded by IS/ISIS/ISL militants in Normandy. Guardian readers have had enough of white people saying “nasty things” about the attackers’ cause, arguing people “need […]
Read More Guardian readers apologise to ISIS for “tetchy” westernersTony Blair has casually reminded Great Britain about the time he banned fox hunting, it has emerged. The curiously all of a-sudden-nudge came on the back of the Chilcot enquiry’s conclusion, which stated020 Blair took the country to a potentially illegal war with Iraq by possibly misleading the public. The former Premier has moved the attention to more favourable achievements, declaring: “2003 […]
Read More “Remember when I banned fox hunting?” Blair asks BritainAn office worker who sent an email to “completely the wrong person” has convinced himself it will all be fine, it has emerged. 27 year old call centre team leader, Adam Richards, thought he sent the email, which read “That fat cow Walshy hasn’t paid me again. What does it even do all day? Fancy a few beers […]
Read More Email to wrong person “definitely not that bad”, insists senderAn infant who is routinely applauded for taking a dump is set to do great things in life, and will definitely not be the type of dipshit who expects a round of applause for completing the most tedious of things, it has been revealed. Wet-nursed child, Nathan Bobson, 3, has explained his plans for stating: […]
Read More CHILD WHO IS CLAPPED ON THE POTTY DESTINED FOR GREATNESSThe British TV viewing public have welcomed news that TV political fantasy-drama “Brexit” has been granted a fourth season with a collective sigh of indifference. The news comes after series Director Boris Johnson pitched a now greenlighted script to EU Studio execs to wrap up the saga once and for all, following an underwhelming season […]
Read More TV FANTASY BREXIT RENEWED FOR ANOTHER SEASON FOLLOWING “PREDICTABLE” SEASON 3 FINALEAn unreasonable twitter gobshite has blocked someone who has a different opinion, it has been revealed. Prolific bringer of drama and no-filter knobhead went on a mini Twitter tirade to his followers bragging about how he “shut down a troll” after a brief exchange where his blatant bullshit was brought under question. Life’s terminal victim, […]
Read More Twitter knobhead claiming moral high ground by blocking anyone who questions their bullshitLiverpool players will wear Jamie Carragher t-shirts during their warm-up next Saturday in a show of solidarity towards the pundit for being unfairly criticised for spitting in a child’s face. Despite damning video evidence of the incident, a statement on behalf of the players at Carragher’s former club declared their “total support” for the Anfield […]
Read More BREAKING: Liverpool players to wear Jamie Carragher t-shirts in response to “misunderstood” spitting incidentLYING adults are still referring to a hideous newborn as “cute” and other similarly deceptive pleasantries, despite everyone having functioning eyes which tell them otherwise, reports confirm. Proud Mother Becky Dinting, 26, gushed: “Awww, Isn’t she beautiful? Everyone always says how gorgeous she is, the little charmer.” Two-faced Janette Lawton, best friend of the baby’s mother, commented: “I say she’s gorgeous on all her […]
Read More BREAKING NEWS: Ugly Baby Still Referred to as “Cute” Despite the Obvious
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